so don't ask if you don't want to know
Posts tagged Personal
I don’t believe so
Apr 12th
I’m often asked what I’m passionate about and I can’t think of a single thing. If I had to grab stuff and leave my apartment forever, I wouldn’t angst over too much. Pictures of the kids, this laptop, maybe a couple of favorite books. It’s just stuff.
I have interests. Right now it’s podcasting, but if you told me I had to stop tomorrow I’d be bummed but it wouldn’t like, break my heart. I used to love to read but I can’t tell you the last time I sat engrossed in a book.
I have future plans to somehow get an RV to move into permanently and just take off across the country. Not enough gumption to actually make any moves in that direction, mind you. I figure my credit is shit and it’ll never happen, so I guess I haven’t really invested my heart into that either.
I feel I’m trudging through life. It used to be when the kids were set, I’d go. But the kids are pretty much out on their own (I’m still around for quick rescues and babysitting) but I’ve no ambition make a move. My lease is up August 1st so I’d be free.
Wow, that’s not where I’d planned this post to go…
Anyway, about passion. I can’t think of anything I’m not meh about. Maybe Kira, but aren’t most Grandparents a bit overboard about teh babees? I like social media events, but I don’t get upset if I miss a few. I enjoy IgnitePhx and ImprovAZ stuff, but again I wouldn’t sit home and cry if I had to um, sit home.
Why am I so closed off? I don’t feel. I keep going hoping something will strike – something will spark an interest. Something that’s more than just going through the motions.
Is that depression?
18 Months
Jan 4th
18 months ago tonight was the last time…
I’ve stopped looking. I certainly don’t expect anything that serendipitous to happen again, nor anything more average either. I’ve been hit on exactly once since then if you don’t count my long-lost friend who lives across the frakking country. I don’t expect anything to happen there either. It’s a nice thought though.
You know what I miss most? I miss skin. I miss naked tactile contact. I was never much of a hugger before but now I am, and I think it’s a sub-conscience substitute for that more intimate contact. I think that might be what I miss most about being married… freedom of touching.
My last little encounter, while pleasant, wasn’t even close to good – fast, fun, and other than it being situationally interesting, forgetful.
So what’s wrong with me? I get out and socialize. I’ve stopped actively hunting and being quite so obvious about my needs. I’m clean and not that fat. Everyone tells me they like me, I have friends, and even the occasional meaningless flirtage. But I can’t seem to connect with anyone. I just don’t get it.
What the hell am I doing wrong?
There’s a big ugly.
Dec 2nd
There is. A big ugly as we call it, means something ugly happened and we need to talk about it, or deal with it, or bury it in the backyard.
It’s really personal, so if you’re just a random Debbie’s kinda funny reader ya might wanna skip this one.
Ready?
A couple of months ago Ginnie mentioned that Brittany (my niece who lived with us for a couple of her emotional teenage years) told her a big ugly. That Buck had touched her (at least once) inappropriately. That’s about all I got… you know getting information second-hand isn’t something you act upon. My first thought was bullshit, then well… maybe who knows right? Thousands of spouses always say NEVER! So I suggested to Ginnie that she maybe ask her girlfriends in a round-about way if anything he did made them uncomfortable. Other than him just being himself; he always made the kid’s friends nervous.
And then it festered in the back of my mind and I mentioned it to a few close friends.
So… Casey and Kira and Ginnie went to their father’s for Thanksgiving. Apparently the liquor was flowing freely and when Ginnie’s boyfriend Roger went to pick her up TheNewWife kept him busy chatting and then told him to leave, meanwhile Buck kept Ginnie distracted until she was so drunk she passed out.
Then sometime in the middle of the night he crept in and groped her. His own daughter. Complete what the fuckage. She said she pretended to be asleep and kind of moved away and waited a few minutes til he left the room. Then went out and told him she needed to go home RIGHT NOW. He said he was too drunk to drive (which come to find out he was) but she didn’t care and he brought her home.
What the hell happened to the man I married? This person, this THING he is now is so not anything like he was then. I could have never imagined he would act this way. I don’t understand it. FUCK blaming it on the drink. Does the constant drinking just make it easier for him to violate common decency?
So we don’t really know what to do. She’s not going to raise a stink about any of it. She’d rather just never get anywhere near him again than be all confrontational. And with it being all she-said and he’ll-deny…
I know you read just about everything I post, so here’s your head’s up. If I ever see your miserable face again you son of a bitch, I’ll scratch your fucking eyes out. Fuck with my kids again? I’ll pay someone to cut your dick off and feed it to you. I have lots of friends now, someone will know someone. And the moment I have some sort of proof or evidence or something other than her word against yours, your ass is fucked you PRICK! Vengeance is mine sayeth the Mom. I hope you rot in your bottle. All that drinking can’t be doing much for your new wife… that OR your tiny useless dick… but do you have to get your thrills from your own daughter? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
