so don't ask if you don't want to know
Posts tagged Memegory
How NOT to Act Old,
Jun 18th
according to this month’s More magazine. Yes, I have one and only one magazine subscription and it’s for women over 40. Cuz I’ve been over forty for quite some time now.
(And I’ll be paraphrasing for brevity)
1. Don’t wear a watch. I stopped wearing a watch last January because it clunks on my laptop. Where I once was a stickler for being on time, I find I rarely need to pay attention to exact time anymore. I even have to look up the date when I need to know it.
2. Don’t talk about history. Nobody cares about personal memories of my youth. I need to work on this one more.
3. Avoid Direct Confrontation. I cry bullshit on this one. They suggest passive-aggresive whiny ass negotiation. I say politely tell people when you feel they need to do something differently. Yeah, I realize I need to work on the politely part.
4. Don’t Voice Mail. Blow up someone’s phone if you want their attention, and text as a last resort. I prefer not to talk on the phone; I don’t bother to answer if I don’t recognize the number. I prefer text conversations but if you must call, leave an identifier voice message and I’ll probably call you back.
5. Don’t Cook a Roast because only OLD people make roast. Well, I cheat and buy Hormel‘s 4 minute roast beef au jus and throw in some instant potatoes. We like roast!
6. Wax yer crotch. Hey, it’s been a long time since anyone’s been down there so how is anyone to know? I reserve the right to keep my bush as it was meant to be. If you want prepubescent pube areas go for it. I have reason to know child molesters prefer it that way. Oops, just broke rule #2 again.
7-14. Don’t get to work early, don’t feed everyone, don’t watch the time clock, don’t brag about your achievements, don’t be tough, get out of your chair and move around, don’t plan too far ahead, don’t remember everything. Forget old-fashioned professionalism I guess.
15. No Lame Parenting Advice. Shyeah. Right. Have you met my (adult) kids?
16. Don’t be the fuddy-duddy. I gave that up in my divorce.
17. Don’t Block the Aisle. Seriously! And back at you young people, don’t walk down the center of the parking lot aisles or I’ll be tempted to run your skinny ass over.
18-19. Type with your thumbs and don’t yell into your phone.
20. Don’t Fear the Teenager. Just slap ‘em around.
21. Cancel the old people touristy/retirement stuff. Party on!
——–
Edited to add: If I hadn’t been writing this while SmallChild was “doing” my hair I would have remembered this part. My COMPLETELY bad.
This is a book excerpt in More magazine of a book with the same title How Not to Act Old by Pamela Redmond Satran. I did look for linkage on the More site before I started, but forgot to keep looking when I didn’t find anything.
______
Edited again: Upon further research this book is actually a compilation (I don’t thinks that’s the word I want but you get it) of a blog called How Not to Act Old to which I have now subscribed. I need all the help I can get.
Have a little dream?
Apr 28th
It starts off , I’m driving an unfamiliar car down an unfamiliar highway and get lost. Exits and interchanges later, I finally find where I’m going (in the rain) and it’s a military base. (I have a lot of dreams that start this way.)
As I get out of my car, Evo rides up on a motorcycle(?) and takes off his helmet, Oakleys, and riding gloves and hands them to some stranger in the crowd(?) and the paparazzi cameras start flashing as we talk. I have this brilliant idea for the show. We start walking into the building and he’s off-handedly signing autographs when suddenly people also start asking for mine. We’re not even paying attention as we sign and walk like this is regular business of the day.
Already weird eh?
As I try and tell him my oh-so-brilliant idea and try to find a piece of paper to write down notes, he tells me not to and that we need to be careful not to have written proof if we offend our fans. HE tells ME not to offend anyone.
Sheila’s in the make-up chair on a cell phone with her business manager.
We wander past the TV cameras in a studio to rival Jon Stewart’s and I’m listing stipulations to my idea. The guy has to be NOT married, really good looking and not take too long, because you know time is money on TV and taking forever to “get there” gets boring pretty fast.
And Evo tells me I CAN’T give a guy a blow-job live on the air for my birthday. That it is too offensive.
Bizzaro dream world, right?
| Originally published at Spellwight. |
A rose by any other name
Feb 2nd
I actually stole this from Facebook. I really don’t want Facebook to turn into Myspace with all this crap clogging it up. Maybe by steering this over into my personal space it will encourage people to NOT put a bunch of crap there.
1. YOUR REAL NAME:
Debra Walker
2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names)
Jean Earl
3. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad)
Vail Albert (guess at father’s dad’s name, he died when I was a baby but I think that’s what it was)
4. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
Walde
5. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Brown Manatee
6. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born)
Kay Flint
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)
The Rust Strongbow
8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Deer
9. STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Chocolate Peanut Butter
10. PORN NAME: (1st pet’s name, street you grew up on)
Opium Coldwater
11. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of last name plus izzle)
Walizzle
13. YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name):
Elkaraker
14. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Xena
15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Ciara Snickers
