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Posts tagged amusing and/or interesting
Yard Sale Hell
May 2nd
I used to love going out every Saturday morning to yard sales with the kids. We’d talk about all kinds of stuff and they each got to take turns being navigator. We’d get breakfast out and if the morning went long, we’d stop for Hawaiian Ices. Sometimes we found treasures, DVDs (or rather VHS tapes back then) in good shape and a decent price, clothes but not too often. Used closed are seldom a bargain. Sometimes we’d get junk and jewelry and costumy stuff just for fun.
They don’t want to yard sale with me anymore. It’s too early on a Saturday morning after a Friday night. *I* barely want to go out but I did today.
Let me say, for all you who don’t live in AZ, there’s a small window of decent morning weather here. In what we call winter, it’s too chilly in the mornings to sit outside so few people have yard sales. And in summer it’s already 100 degrees at sunrise so you know, nobody really want to go out then either. NOW is a good time, the mornings are nice and breezy. So I went.
There was one sale where the woman had tagged every single piece of clothing with individual hand-written price tags with sizes and descriptions, as if you didn’t have the item RIGHT THERE. Can you say anal?
Directly across the street, there was a sale more like I’m used to where everything is thrown on a blanket for people to rifle through and everything was one price. I hate those. I’m not crawling around on the ground unless I get laid after.
At another sale today, the reek of cat piss and mildew was like an invisible wall about halfway up the driveway. The guy had a look like he couldn’t figure out why people would stop and walk back to their cars. Duh!
Not a lot of luck today. I came away with one really nice outfit for Kira and a plastic weenie whistle. Better luck next time.
| Originally published at Spellwight. |
Cause It’s the First of May!
May 1st
Thank you Jonathan Coulton.
I woke up this morning
I had a scone and a large house blend
And then a little conversation with my squirrel and chipmunk friends
I said I’m sick and tired of winter
And I wish that it was spring
And then a little fellow named Robin Redbreast
Began to sing
And he sang
Ooh ooh child, what’d you think the cold winter’s gonna last forever?
Ooh ooh child, now’s the time for all the people to get together
Outside
Cause it’s the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
The water’s not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I’ll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside
I thanked him for the information
I cried a little when he flew away
I watched an episode of The People’s Court
And I tried to plan my day
I called up my old lady
She wasn’t home so I called my girl
I asked her if she’d like to join me as I
Entertain the world
And I said
Ooh ooh child, I’ll bring a blanket and I promise I will brush the ants off
Ooh ooh child, you’re gonna like it when we’re taking each other’s pants off
Outside
Cause it’s the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
The water’s not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I’ll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside
So we went to the park together
We were walking in the midday sun
We met all kinds of people and we
We fucked everyone
We fucked a lady who sells ice cream
We fucked a man with a tan Shar Pei
Everyone who needed fucking well they
They got fucked today
So come on
Ooh ooh child, open your mind and your heart, feel the spirit moving through you
Ooh ooh child, you’ll feel the warmth of the love when I stick it to you
Outside
Cause it’s the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
The water’s not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I’ll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside
| Originally published at Spellwight. |
Have a little dream?
Apr 28th
It starts off , I’m driving an unfamiliar car down an unfamiliar highway and get lost. Exits and interchanges later, I finally find where I’m going (in the rain) and it’s a military base. (I have a lot of dreams that start this way.)
As I get out of my car, Evo rides up on a motorcycle(?) and takes off his helmet, Oakleys, and riding gloves and hands them to some stranger in the crowd(?) and the paparazzi cameras start flashing as we talk. I have this brilliant idea for the show. We start walking into the building and he’s off-handedly signing autographs when suddenly people also start asking for mine. We’re not even paying attention as we sign and walk like this is regular business of the day.
Already weird eh?
As I try and tell him my oh-so-brilliant idea and try to find a piece of paper to write down notes, he tells me not to and that we need to be careful not to have written proof if we offend our fans. HE tells ME not to offend anyone.
Sheila’s in the make-up chair on a cell phone with her business manager.
We wander past the TV cameras in a studio to rival Jon Stewart’s and I’m listing stipulations to my idea. The guy has to be NOT married, really good looking and not take too long, because you know time is money on TV and taking forever to “get there” gets boring pretty fast.
And Evo tells me I CAN’T give a guy a blow-job live on the air for my birthday. That it is too offensive.
Bizzaro dream world, right?
| Originally published at Spellwight. |
