(And I’ll be paraphrasing for brevity)

1. Don’t wear a watch. I stopped wearing a watch last January because it clunks on my laptop. Where I once was a stickler for being on time, I find I rarely need to pay attention to exact time anymore. I even have to look up the date when I need to know it.

2. Don’t talk about history. Nobody cares about personal memories of my youth. I need to work on this one more.

3. Avoid Direct Confrontation. I cry bullshit on this one. They suggest passive-aggresive whiny ass negotiation. I say politely tell people when you feel they need to do something differently. Yeah, I realize I need to work on the politely part.

4. Don’t Voice Mail. Blow up someone’s phone if you want their attention, and text as a last resort. I prefer not to talk on the phone; I don’t bother to answer if I don’t recognize the number. I prefer text conversations but if you must call, leave an identifier voice message and I’ll probably call you back.

5. Don’t Cook a Roast because only OLD people make roast. Well, I cheat and buy Hormel‘s 4 minute roast beef au jus and throw in some instant potatoes. We like roast!

6. Wax yer crotch. Hey, it’s been a long time since anyone’s been down there so how is anyone to know? I reserve the right to keep my bush as it was meant to be. If you want prepubescent pube areas go for it. I have reason to know child molesters prefer it that way. Oops, just broke rule #2 again.

7-14. Don’t get to work early, don’t feed everyone, don’t watch the time clock, don’t brag about your achievements, don’t be tough, get out of your chair and move around, don’t plan too far ahead, don’t remember everything. Forget old-fashioned professionalism I guess.

15. No Lame Parenting Advice. Shyeah. Right. Have you met my (adult) kids?

16. Don’t be the fuddy-duddy. I gave that up in my divorce.

17. Don’t Block the Aisle. Seriously! And back at you young people, don’t walk down the center of the parking lot aisles or I’ll be tempted to run your skinny ass over.

18-19. Type with your thumbs and don’t yell into your phone.

20. Don’t Fear the Teenager. Just slap ‘em around.

21. Cancel the old people touristy/retirement stuff. Party on!

——–

Edited to add: If I hadn’t been writing this while SmallChild was “doing” my hair I would have remembered this part. My COMPLETELY bad.

This is a book excerpt in More magazine of a book with the same title How Not to Act Old by Pamela Redmond Satran. I did look for linkage on the More site before I started, but forgot to keep looking when I didn’t find anything.

______

Edited again: Upon further research this book is actually a compilation (I don’t thinks that’s the word I want but you get it) of a blog called How Not to Act Old to which I have now subscribed. I need all the help I can get.

Kid’s finally starting to earn her keep.

I’m going to Minnesota for 10 days next month to attend CONvergence and get to hang out with my VERY good friends Cara and Heather. You D*C people know them as the ladies I usually stay with there and they come to the good parties with me. This time I’m going to their neck of the woods to check out… Minnesota.

All my bestest friends have cancelled on Dragon*Con so there’s really no reason to go. Oh sure, there are a few other friends I’ll miss (Cat and Taipa and Loren and A and all my author friends and peeps like that) but this trip sounded like more fun.

And it’s like, three weeks from now and I REALLY NEED to get away from the people I live with NOW and not in September.

So, Cara, specifically:

US Airways Flight 351 arriving July 1 at 5:00 pm

US Airways Flight 35 leaving July 10 at 5:55 pm

I can’t bloody wait! Anybody else (fans, friends, folks) who want to get together just email spellwight over at gmail and we’ll set up a meetup of some sort.

All snazzed up in my new dress and CJ’s help with hair and make-up we set out again, more drinking and penny slots. Finally time for Bite.

Bite SPOILERS. 6 fairly competent vampire dancers and a weird looking vampire man that really doesn’t do much. Great rock music. Partway in they supposedly pick people from the audience, but one guy overacts so drastically you know immediately he’s a plant. Turns out he and his wife/girlfriend/female partner were twirly hang from a chain acrobats. Pretty good ones and hanging right in front of us. Another plant was one of those silk rope curtain acrobats that was cool too. The final audience plant was a big nerdy looking guy who turns out to be a great singer along the lines of Meatloaf. I think he was the most believable “actor” of all. Most of the dancers were painfully thin, and the star (the Queen of the Night) had a ribcage more prominent than her tits. How is that attractive? All in all, a good show. Worth the discounted rate but I’m glad I didn’t have to pay full price for it.

After that we took the Deuce down to Nine Fine Irishmen and had some fun and Magners, Casey and a couple of his friends showed up, we had Del Taco and headed back.

Alltel does NOT have coverage in Las Vegas. Las Fucking Vegas! One of the biggest tourist cities in the US, and I roamed the whole time.

Alltel does NOT have coverage on the entire island of Oahu. Goddamn Honolulu! Again, one of the top tourist places in the US.

Check out their “coverage map” if you can see it. Isn’t that special. Can’t enlarge it, can’t get anything specific, and their color options make it impossible to see the actual differences.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t have service in Atlanta either. Can’t remember.

I did find a way to run Internet on my laptop through my mobile (something called PdaNet) and it worked okay, but at roaming prices it would have probably been cheaper to get the WiFi from the hotel. Guess I’ll find out when the bill is due.

I’m telling you the whole thing was a drag right up til they called her name.

Overcast sky all day we were hoping would hold. No such luck. Just before I got there (an hour early in order to find parking and seating) it started sprinkling. As more and more families were crammed into the stands at the school’s football field the rain continued. Umbrellas fighting for space, too. The old bat in front of me had one of those six foot golfer umbrellas that drained right onto my lap. Not to mention the drunk ass father and grandfather that showed up 5 minutes before the thing started and bitched the whole time about getting wet. Shut up asshole, we’ve been here for HOURS. What ever happened to chivalry, where the menfolk sat in the rain holding seats while the ladies waited comfortably whilst sipping cocktails in the car?

Eventually, yet right on time they started the Commencement. 805 graduates filed ceremoniously down the football field. In the rain. Then there was the standing for the pledge and the longest and most elaborate version of the Star Spangled Banner (I swear they added verses) followed by some slow convoluted America the Beautiful. Just long enough to gather puddles in our seats. Joy.

I was soaked and I had an umbrella! Most of those kids didn’t. But they were cheerful and excited, starting waves when the speeches (of which there were too many considering the weather) ran too long. There were teachers and staff at the end of each row confiscating the beach balls that periodically popped up. Spoilsports.

Finally after an hour of (I’m sure very nice and well thought out speeches and music) droll they started calling names, and it took another half an hour before they got to Ginnie’s. People waited til their kid’s name was called and cheered and then promptly left the stadium. By the time my Walker kid was up, our little group was in a wide open space in the stands so she could see us cheering her.

And by the time I made my way to the back of the field they’d flipped their tassels and the families were let in and she found me before I could find her. She was sooo happy and excited and relieved to have it all over. And soaked.

Why do they line those caps in cardboard? Wouldn’t a slim sheet of plastic be just as cheap and yet hold up better to the elements?

A few hugs and pics later (no dumbass me forgot her camera, I’ll have to wait to get copies from Ashley’s mom) she made that phone call and shit went downhill fast.

And just about the time I was trapped in the mass exodus in the parking lot, the rain stopped. Figures.

I convinced myself I needed a new hot dress for Vegas, so my friend CJ and I went out last night on search. She found a couple nice and/or dressy blouses for her and I found a dress that I actually like and looked halfway decent on me. But it was a size too small so I had another location hold the dress for me and Ginnie and I traipsed over there today.

Ginnie tried on a few things, but no luck for her. We wandered through a couple more stores and left the mall. She was starving so we went to the McDonalds across the street, passing a tweaker on the way in. Love this town, really. As we’re standing at the counter B.O Boy twitches in and stands behind me and I could barely finish ordering without breathing.

Ginnie says to me, “Mom, if I EVER do ANY drugs besides weed, slap the shit out of me okay?”

ABSOLUTELY.

I just don’t understand why anyone starts on these drugs. Have you ever seen a successful tweaker? Don’t you understand that EVERYONE turns out just like this guy?

Phone rings, my mother’s ring tone.

Me: Hello?

EM: Is Buck there?

Me: Um, no, he’s not available at this number ever again.

EM: Oh, uh, this is his mother-in … er I mean ex-mother-in-law. Do you know where I can reach him?

Me: And this is your daughter if you don’t recognize my voice by now Mom.

EM: Oh shit, you dumbass! What the hell are you doing?

Me: You called me, Mom. And why am I the dumbass? And why are you calling Buck in the middle of the night?

EM: You didn’t call me for Mothers Day so I thought I’d call you.

Me: Bullshit Mom, I talked to you the day before Mother’s Day and you just dialed my number thinking you were calling my EX HUSBAND.

EM: Mumble mumble sleeping pill, how was your Mother’s Day honey?

So I told her how my day went and she moaned about her bad health and Orc’s bad health and the bills and how bankruptcy didn’t help her a lot and how she was up after taking her sleeping pill and making out bills. Blah blah how are all the kids and about Ginnie’s graduation and so forth.

EM: So what did you do for Mother’s Day?

Me: Mom, go to bed. And don’t mail out those bills until you double check them tomorrow.

EM: What, you don’t want to tell me what you did for Mother’s Day?

Me: I already did, which is how I know you really need to go to bed.

I never did find out why she was calling the ex. She always did like him better than me.

Anyway, E gave me half of his burger (good) and the rest of his fries (lousy) and had a couple of Blue Moons and hugged and flirted pointlessly with a lot of my friends.

I’d had my usual argument with myself before going.

OldMe: You know they only invited you because they’re nice and it was a general call, they really don’t want an old bat like you there.

NewMe: Chuck and Amy came to MY birthday party! They like me.

OM: It’s going to be a bunch of young people.

NM: E & She are going and they’re not that much younger than me!

OM: Yeah, but Sheila’s beautiful and Evo is cool.

NM: Fuck you, I’m going.

So later, after dancing and laughing and dancing a bit more and getting a flirt on with someone I kinda knew but not really…

We were standing outside having a smoke and I started feeling odd. I excused myself and beelined it through the bar to the bathroom wondering the whole way what on earth could be making me feel sick. I’d only had two beers! I know I’m a lightweight but shit, I didn’t even have a buzz on! I’m standing against the wall waiting for an empty stall (and hoping whatever’s coming on will hang on a second) when the next thing I know some annoying voice is asking, “Are you okay?” “Are you okay?” “Are you okay?”

Who the fuck is she talking to? I open my eyes to see who she’s yelling at and realize I’m sprawled on the floor and she’s talking to me! Shit! I get up and someone brings me water and I get a cold wet towel and I’m fine. And I’m still not buzzed so the only thing I can think of is I got overheated.

EMBARRASSING!

Screwed up the rest of my whole night. Could have been a done deal but I couldn’t get my flirt up after that, though the gentleman kept trying. Hope he tries again sometime. SOON.